Clandestine Reality

  This is Lee Lorch. He’s the guy who taught me first year calculus He got his PhD in mathematics at the University of Cincinnati in 1941. After serving in the U.S. Army, he got a job at City College of New York. He was fired for his work in the civil rights movement. He joined that when he learned that blacks weren’t allowed in his housing development. Undeterred, he found a job at Fisk College, a historically black college in Tennessee. The year after he started, he went to a mathematics conference in Nashville, where he found that black mathematicians weren’t allowed to attend because the facility was “whites only”. A few years later, he was called to testify before the House Un-American Activities Committee where he refused to answer questions about his political activity prior to 1941. Fisk fired him. He moved to another all black college, Philander Smith in Little Rock, Arkansas. He had to resign after getting involved shielding black high school students who were trying to a...

  The fawn response is what is commonly known as people pleasing behavior: What I’m focused on is approval and validation or mollifying someone who might be unhappy with me. Instead of asking myself “what do I really think, feel, need?” I ask myself “what does this person want to hear? What would please them?” I disregard what I need to make room for what everyone else needs, not because I am generous but because I am trying to survive. After years of this I lose touch with myself. I don’t know what I need. I cannot make decisions without advice - others make decisions for me, which, one decision at a time implies relinquishing the direction of my life. I step into the role other people have anointed me with. “The responsible one.” “The helpful one.” “The resourceful one.” I avoid confrontation or conflict by circumventing, avoiding or agreeing. I have no boundaries (I never say “no” or “that’s not what I want to do” or “I have a different opinion.”) I am very concerned with what o...